There’s a silent stigma lurking in the relational realm. What if I told you 1 out of every 4 couples in the UK is suffering with this problem? Whether this is afflicting your relationship or not, you will have someone in your circle that is being intimately impoverished. I’m talking about sexless marriages.
Let’s take a look at the data
So just over the pond, our American counterparts come in with 1 in 3 marriages being sexless. Maybe bigger isn’t always better!
According to data scientist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, the top-searched marriage complaint on Google is “sexless marriage.” What’s more, searches for “sexless marriage” are three and a half times more common than “unhappy marriage” and eight times more common than “loveless marriage.”*
These are flabbergasting figures for something that is so prevalent and feels too taboo to speak about.
Despite couples having more time at home together over the last 18 months, stress from the pandemic hasn’t exactly made things better in the bedroom. The Kinsey Institute at the University of Indiana in the US found that 40% of people surveyed, regardless of gender or age, reported a decline in their sex life during the pandemic.
And, not to turn this into a doom and gloom piece (stick with me, things get better), but I also think it’s important to share this last bit of data to help round off the state of affairs behind closed doors. A OnePoll* survey found that half of coupled-up people say their current partner is the ‘worst sex’ they ever had.
My jaw was on the floor when I read that!
No wonder couples aren’t skipping off to bed together.
First, know you aren’t alone.
There are empowering steps that can be taken towards healing the divide in your relationship. Begin by committing to invigorating your intimacy.. Make it a priority and approach your situation and partner with curiosity and compassion. I know this can be particularly hard, especially if frustration and resentment have built up over time or you have fear of more rejection.
Here are some practical things you can do now:
- Schedule some time to speak to your partner about your feelings. It is much easier to have harder conversations if you have a dedicated space and time, instead of squeezing in a conversation between packing lunches for the kids or late in the evening when you’re both ready to sleep. Use this time to explore possible reasons for the lack of intimacy. Sometimes it’s something as simple as not making it a priority.
- Seek medical advice if you feel hormone imbalances or erectile dysfunction are contributing factors.
- Place shame, embarrassment and fear aside and get professional help. There are many qualified therapists and coaches working in this realm. Be careful not to fall for any quick fixes or bandaid approaches. Reclaiming your desire for each other will be a journey not a pitstop.
For the open, willing and curious, check out the Black Belt Relationship Dojo online course.This will be an opportunity to set some deep foundations for your eroticsm all within a safe and held container. You’ll discover how you’re each wired for pleasure (this is usually one of the biggest ‘aha moments’ for couples as they realise that they are sexually compatible). Along with deep enquiries, you’ll be given many practical tools and skills you can implement straight away.
If that feels a step too far from where you are, have a peek at the Blue Belt Relationship Dojo online course, where you’ll learn the essentials of connection, communication and coming together. Click here for more details.
These courses are for couples who are committed to each other and the journey of self discovery.
To learn more about the Black Belt click here. Sessions begin on Thursday, Sept. 23rd. Space will be limited, so early booking is advised. Let’s begin taking the stigma out of sexless marriages and instead begin fulfilling our erotic potentials.
For more about the Blue Belt click here. Sessions begin on Wednesday, Sept. 22nd.